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Economics

Selling Your Soul? It’s Not As Easy As You Think. – Exclusive interview with Zekbar The Abhorrent.

Selling Your Soul in Dead

It is no shock to anyone that the value of the Human Soul had plummeted drastically since the start of the 21st Century.

Promising material wealth and pleasures in exchange for eternal damnation, selling your soul has been a viable prospect for people of all social and economic standing since time immemorial. This financial ritual reached its height during the sixties and seventies when musicians and entertainers (and their managers) were entering the soul market at astronomical rates.

It was a win-win situation for the stock-brokers and bankers of Hell, as the talented musicians used their now-enhanced abilities to spread debauchery and greed throughout the planet whilst less-talented would still have to pay back their souls with interest (hauntings, etc.).

However, with the soul market crash of 1999 and the subsequent value drop that has persisted since then, it has become near impossible to sell your soul at an economically-feasible rate.

Exclusive interview with Zekbar The Abhorrent.

Zekbar The Abhorrent, a Head Director at Beelzebub’s Bank of The Fourth Circle, reveals the causes and effects the crash has had on those wishing to sell their souls and those wanting to buy them.

“There is a joke shared by my fellow demon bankers when the question is asked, “what caused the soul drop?” and the response is “humans got lazy.”. Which is a crude but not entirely incorrect statement.”

“The truth is, souls didn’t lose value, sin did.”

“When a human slaughters an entire sorority and proceeds to burn the campus down whilst covered in goat’s blood and singing the praises of our dark and glorious leader, humans do not fear the name of which he speaks! They do not quiver in fear of the acolyte’s demonic fervour or hellish potency! Instead, they babble about “mental health” and “opiates” and whatever new reductionist term they invent. It then circulates on their news feeds for about two weeks, and then is forgotten.”

“In short, sin just isn’t valuable anymore. It doesn’t generate fear or chaos amongst mortalkind. And if sin doesn’t have an effect on Earth, what good is the human soul? If oil is useless, what good are cars?”

“The only place on Earth where the soul economy is profitable is Africa, where there is always a steady stream of new warlords making sacrifices to bolster their power. Joshua Blahyi was a favourite client of mine. But it is still a far cry from what the economy used to be.”

Fear and Chaos

“And even when sin does generate fear and chaos, such as when an isolated American teenager decides to practise marksmanship at the playground or the Prime Minister is caught playing Jenga with the Secretary of The Treasury in a Brighton motel room, it generates only self-righteous anger.”

“In other words, non-profitable, non-reworkable, vegan-fake-meat equivalent virtue-signalling anger. An anger that is impotently expressed out of social obligation or prideful grandstanding. One would think that would be a good thing, since these were, or at least a certain variant of it was, at one time, a niche but valuable resource in Hell’s economy.”

“However, it was exactly that which caused the Crash of 1999. Self-righteous Anger and Violence used to be a product produced by hypocrite nobles, barons, kings, and priests in millennia past, making it a rare and sought-after product in the lower levels of hell. The subsequent violence and massacres that ensued due to it made it beneficial for the higher levels as well. But ever God and Demon fearing went out of fashion the now lessened havoc carried less soul weight as people’s attention was quickly drawn away by reality television, rigged politics, and useless pop spirituality and debt-based education. One would think that this new debauchery that the average city-dwelling human would be greatly beneficial for the denizens of Hell, but the contrary is rather the case.”

“Their hedonism carries no weight, as no rule is being broken, no taboo being violated, when seen, the partaker is praised and encouraged in their lukewarm acts. In their foolishness, their believe that little march is a revolution, their online hook-up lichenous, and their slightly rude internet comment an act of violence. This bizarre sense of reality makes the mortal believe that they are at the peak of sin when they are not engaging in it at all! Therefore, they are not encouraged to go any further.”

“As for those trying to sell their soul in the west today, they’ll be chuffed to find any Hell baron or banker who they’ll think will be impressed with their little crayon ritual they conducted in their parent’s attic with plastic candles and burnt photos of their exes as offerings.”

The soul economy

“But there are always young entrepreneurs new to the soul economy who want to try their hand with these hopeless cases. I cannot tell you the number of times a little demon that just got out of the mailroom came to me and said: “this one’s special, trust me!”. And after the purchase what follows is usually something along the lines of the human setting fire to their neighbour’s garden and is then hit by a bus. The young, would-be banker is now bankrupt, and is sent to the ironic punishment division.”

“Now, that is not usually the case. There are the lucky ones, such as Mekzuul The Obscene when he found Elon Musk back in 2001. But that, like all post-crash soul purchases and investments, are a one-in-a-billion chance that leaves many unprepared bankers out of the market.”

Zekbar The Abhorrent is part of a movement that believes the bankers and fanciers of Hell should focus on the third world as the new source of profit for the soul economy. He has already disclosed that he brought large shares of middle-eastern souls from several influential Djinn bankers and traders.

Mekzuul The Obscene, CEO of Lucifer’s Reserve (Federal Bank of Hell) has suggested at an Eternal Punishment and Profit conference in 2020 that we should start looking for souls on other planets.

Politics

Views On Democracy or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the Kali Yuga

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Note: This is a work of satire and is not meant to be taken seriously.

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